


A TO Z

by orphan_account



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Related, Coming Out, Drabble, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, One Shot, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romance, Smoking, Smut, Weight Issues, jiyong loves seungri /a lot/
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2017-02-09
Packaged: 2018-09-09 19:21:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 8,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8908945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jiyong and Seungri A to Z. Not in order though, never in order, because Jiyong thinks that all that the two of them entail is everything but orderly.





	1. We

****Jiyong remembers once being told that, over time, people in relationships start using the pronoun we rather than I and you. Jiyong, on the other hand, doesn’t recall when exactly this happened to him but now everything in his life is labeled ours instead of mine and yours, and us instead of you and me. We instead of I and he. He’s 28, however, when he realizes that this is what it’s come to and having been involved with his magnae for three plus years he’s really not against it. To be frank he gets a small kick out of telling Seunghyun that ‘yes, _we’ll_ be over later with a few bottles of wine’ and Seunghyun already knowing who the ‘we’ implies. He sometimes gets chills whenever Seungri’s on the phone to Hara or some other person close to them and a sentence like ‘I’m just at _our_ apartment’ falls from his lips. 

We is a word of intimacy, Jiyong thinks, and so he has to watch his mouth whenever he speaks publicly at fan meetings, concerts or live chats. Most of the time he doesn’t even speak of his private relationships with the members of Big Bang, which he decided was probably the wisest decision a long time ago. Not that he minds or doesn’t think the fans know how close they all are after having spent 10 and more years in each other’s constant company, but he’s already against the idea of mixing work with private-life too much and so he likes to keep the private part very private. 

Because truth to be told, Jiyong is scared. He’s scared that one day _he’ll_ wake up in his apartment, tangled up in _his_ bedsheets rather than a second pair of legs, go to work and speak about what _he_ did last night and what _he’s_ going to be up to tomorrow, he’s scared that _he’ll_ go to Seunghyun’s with only a single bottle of wine. He likes being a _we_ , because this entails being not only Jiyong, but Jiyong and Seungri.. and that’s something he for all in the world never wants to be without again.

 


	2. V.I

Despite this being their final concert of their 2013 Alive tour, Jiyong can’t seem to focus at all. The fans’ energy is amazing and luckily Jiyong has become so used to performing the past year that he does everything on autopilot. It’s not because he’s tired, though, that his mind keeps traveling elsewhere. No, this feeling isn’t exactly new but it’s surely the culmination of pent up sexual frustration mixed with something else he hasn’t been brave enough to explore just yet. 

It’s the way Seungri’s jeans cling to his thick thighs and strong calves, his hair which recently looks like the way Jiyong imagines it’d look after sex and the smudged eyeliner surrounding the cat-like eyes of his dongsaeng. It makes Jiyong feel jittery like he’s drunk a liter of black coffee, makes him forget lyrics if he as much as makes slight eye contact with the younger. And Seungri seems like he’s without a single care in the world, as he interacts with the audience as if it’s second nature to him and cutely dances around Youngbae like he doesn’t look like sex on legs. 

So what makes this exact night different than any other Jiyong can’t exactly pinpoint, but seeing Seungri all sweaty backstage as they’ve only just finished the concert makes him want to rather die than not get his hands all over the other man. And that’s why when given the chance he pushes Seungri into whatever secluded room he can find, which happens to be a broom closet, up against the wall, their faces only inches apart and is immediately taken aback when Seungri forcefully spins them around until Jiyong is suddenly the one pinned between the door and his magnae. Lips are on his seconds later and Jiyong moans loudly before he even gets the chance to process what exactly is happening, Seungri’s hand replacing lips to silence him.   
   “You need to be a little more quiet, hyung, if you don’t want this to last only a few seconds longer before someone finds us”, his magnae half whispers, voice a bit scratchy from all the singing and yelling he’s been doing. 

Seungri is still halfway his stage-persona, then, Jiyong realizes because Lee Seunghyun is a puppy compared to V.I who is now gazing down at him, pupils enlarged and cheeks tinged red. He’s awfully confident and seems almost too comfortable having Jiyong trapped against him like this, seeing as this is not something the two of them have ever entertained themselves with beforehand.   
   “But don’t worry, you can have me”, Seungri continues and Jiyong slides his palm down the small of Seungri’s back until it rests just above his ass, “if you’ll just be patient, hyung, the others are probably waiting to pop a few bottles of champagne with us right now, don’t you think?” 

Jiyong is stunned when they’ve made their way back to the other members. He watches Seungri joke around, back to his off-stage self and realizes that when it’s not sexual frustration he feels towards the younger, it’s love.

 


	3. Peaceminusone

Jiyong starts designing Peaceminusone in mid-2014 and when he admits to Seungri one late night how the name spells out V.I when throwing a peace sign and then removing one finger, the younger man leaves the room. First Jiyong expects the other to come back, but as minutes pass he becomes unsure. What is he supposed to do now? So he sits in Seungri’s living room for a while contemplating just this and when no answer magically pops up in his mind, he stands and goes to find his magnae. 

A bit of fluffy brown hair is visible from where the other man is hidden beneath the duvet on his bed and Jiyong hesitates for a bit before fully entering the bedroom.  
  “Seungri-yah”, he starts, clearing his throat somewhat nervously. The feeling of not knowing what he’s possibly done wrong is making him wary. And Seungri does not respond, so Jiyong sucks in a breath and goes to sit on the soft mattress. Minutes continue to pass, however, and even if Jiyong wants to be patient he can’t and therefore ends up climbing into the bed and tries to get as close as bodily possible to the younger. Seungri lets out a long breath he seems to have been holding and slowly turns around in Jiyong’s arms so that they’re facing each other.  
  “At least let me hold you, hyung”, is what he says whilst sneaking arms around Jiyong’s waist.

They’re silent for a while. Then Jiyong starts tucking at Seungri’s clothes, wanting them off off the body they cover. He starts by removing the shirt Seungri’s wearing, tracing his hands over the muscular back of his lover whilst doing so, then proceeding to pull off sweatpants and underwear. 

Both naked, not long after, with their hot skin touching but with no hands exploring they simply lie like this, feeling each other’s bodies against their own and Jiyong thinks that this is possibly his happiest place in the world. With Seungri he feels safe and doesn’t mind being protected like he would hate with any other person.   
   “You’re so precious, hyung, what did I ever do to have you here like this?”, and Jiyong’s heart swells with every word uttered. Because Seungri is the finniest, kindest, sexiest and best person in his life and because Seungri doesn’t mind Jiyong being Jiyong - not out of admiration but because he simply accepts Jiyong for who he is. He doesn’t tell his youngest this, however, he simply draws patterns on the other’s soft honey colored skin beneath his fingertips.

“Because Peaceminusone is all me and you _are_ the best part of me, Seungri-yah”, to Jiyong this is simple. It’s not something he’s doing to make the younger happy, it’s not some big declaration of love, no, it’s simply the way it’s supposed to be. Like how the earth spins around the sun. Still Seungri’s eyes pierce his and Jiyong lifts a hand to cup his face.   
   “But hyung.. you give me a garden when all I can ever give back is a stupid flower. It’s not fair that it feels like you care for me hundred times the amount I care for you, when that’s not the truth”, Seungri sounds upset and Jiyong shakes his head.  
   “At least you accepted everything when I thought you wouldn’t, when I thought that in this world there would be no place for the two of us like this”, Seungri leans in then, kissing Jiyong passionately at first then ending it with a series of pecks. Having the magnae like this still makes Jiyong’s heart beat wildly, even after one and a half years, “I want to make sure that if we are broken apart, you won’t for a second doubt that you”, Jiyong throws a peace sign whilst speaking, Seungri’s eyes now fixed on the hand movement, “were always my number one”, he says, voice low, whilst removing his middle finger - index finger now the only left.

 


	4. Evenings

Often Jiyong feels miserable as soon as the sun starts to set and he’s left in the muted colors that come with twilight. He’s never sure why he’s like that, but it messes with his mood up until nightfall where his brain is its most productive. It’s not very healthy, he thinks, because it’s what messes him up most due to the lack of sleep it causes. During the day he’s his normal self, calm and collected and during the night it’s like fireworks are going off in his brain, inspiring him like a flame has been lit beneath him, the fire keeping him going. But in the evenings he lacks energy and purpose. He tears himself to pieces sometimes, his mind and thoughts going round in circles and he feels like a maniac worrying over the smallest things, unable to even comprehend the bigger. 

Seungri is in China one afternoon that this happens and it’s not because Jiyong is a particularly needy person, but his mind is like he imagines it would be if he were on drugs and so he dials the younger, heart frantic, from his darkening bedroom only to realize that nobody is going to pick up the phone. So he becomes frustrated as an hour passes and angry when he at five in the morning still hasn’t received even a text, knowing full well that Seungri’s been out clubbing, and at last childish 24 hours later when his phone finally buzzes. Because he doesn’t answer and it’s 2015 - he’s a 27 year old man and he’s ignoring his lover like only a delusional 15-year-old girl would. He can’t help it though, he feels betrayed because Seungri full well knows how unstable Jiyong’s mind is. In only a heartbeat Jiyong himself would have been there for the younger and it’s with this knowledge he ends up ignoring the other for around a week, Seungri apparently still living without a care in the world seeing as he’s not calling or texting Jiyong either. 

It hurts Jiyong and when they see each other again it’s at a meeting at YG Entertainment. He tries his best at paying attention, but his mind unfortunately keeps drifting because Seungri is right across from him thereby making Jiyong constantly have to steal all the glances he can manage. His magnae looks good, hair a light brown color, slight stubble on his face.  
   “Do the two of you need to resolve anything or what?”, asks Youngbae suddenly, pulling Jiyong out of the mess that are his thoughts. Everyone but his members have left the room without Jiyong even noticing and he feels embarrassed that he’s been just that absent.   
   “No?”, he half spits, wanting to laugh at himself because he’s acting like a baby. He doesn’t even look at Seungri before he leaves thee room too. 

He lies on his bed that same evening feeling what he can only describe as emptiness inside. Youngbae is a friend he eventually had to let go of. The two of them having drifted apart drastically as Seungri and Jiyong’d first become a reality - a reality Jiyong had been too absorbed in to notice the growing distance between himself and his friend. In the end it had become a conscious choice, though, to let them grow apart, because Youngbae hadn’t been shy to voice his opinion on Jiyong’s feelings for their magnae. These are all memories which Jiyong has made sure to bury deep within himself and so he only sighs loudly, rubbing his eyes.  
   “Hyung..”, all his movements stop, body tensing as he opens his eyes to see Seungri standing by the open door to his bedroom. He wants to ask why the younger is there because even if Jiyong’s made it clear to the other that the spare key to his apartment he once gifted him was meant for actual use, the other man never once used it. Before now, that is, and once again Jiyong must have been too far away mentally to notice his surroundings, “you’re okay, right? I just..”, Seungri sounds unsure. Jiyong on the other hand feels confused. He gestures for his dongsaeng to come sit on the bed, as he himself sits upright too. 

“Why don’t we talk?”, Seungri asks after a while seemingly a tad more collected.   
   “Because.. in my head there are so many thoughts I don’t know where to begin”, surprisingly the answer comes easily. Seungri looks Jiyong in the eyes, glancing down and then reaches out. Before Jiyong knows it he’s wrapped up in the man he loves and his chest hurts with the sudden lightness inside. The younger’s firm body grounds him to the real world for the first time since he’d left and Jiyong heaves a sigh of relief as Seungri kisses his cheeks.

 


	5. Last Dance

Seungri looks at him with eyes so filled with hurt that Jiyong has to look away. The phone Jiyong had received the call on earlier feels burning hot, so much so he has to lay it on the kitchen counter beside him. He’d received a call and they had gone to a meeting only to have returned to their apartment together for what could possibly be the last time. And Jiyong wants badly to say something, produce words and seem strong enough to comfort his magnae who stands before him in this very moment. But he can’t because his own heart is shattered what he thinks may be beyond compare and so a heavy silence lies above and between them. 

“Can you just hold me, please?”, Seungri’s voice shakes. He sounds like all energy has left him. Tired. So Jiyong envelops him in his arms before the younger gets to ask twice, inhaling the scent, savoring the warmth and sturdiness of him.   
   “I don’t..”, Seungri tries, but his voice breaks and Jiyong feels and hears how he inhales violently to keep himself in check, “I can’t go back to how we were before, hyung! I can’t go back in time like that, it’s not ever going to be possible”, he sounds almost hysterical, scared and Jiyong buries his face in the neck of the other, because he still can’t find his own words. Instead he starts rocking them from side to side, calmly, like he probably would a child. Seungri holds onto him tighter, body finally shaking against Jiyong’s with a sob and Jiyong wants to cry too because more than anything in the world, seeing Seungri hurt like this because of him is what he most feared would ever happen. He kisses where his mouth reaches the easiest, kisses around that spot and feels how the younger melts into him. 

They stand like that, movements slow as they rock to the side as if slow dancing until Jiyong finds himself in their bedroom unaware of who led who, but determined to get them both naked as fast as possible so he can feel Seungri’s body against his own. He slides his hands over the curve of his magnae’s butt before using them to pull their bodies flush against each other. The feeling of a strong chest against his own, a few scratchy hairs against his own completely smooth skin, makes his body heat up as he feels Seungri’s cock grow harder between them. It’s mutual as they fall onto their bed, pillows falling around them and Seungri’s body glowing in the orange tones of a sunset he’s too absorbed in the man next to him to even comprehend is happening right outside his window.  
   “Hyung”, Seungri’s eyes are rimmed slightly red from the few tears he’s shed, eyes glossy and Jiyong thinks it’s unbelievable how beautiful his lover still manages to be. 

It’s the slowest paced sex they’ve ever had but Jiyong never once becomes impatient, wanting to savour the moment, despite usually feeling like the younger can’t possibly pound into him fast and hard enough. He has to remind himself to not close his eyes from the bliss he feels, because his magnae is hovering above him and Jiyong wants to remember what he looks like like this. He slides his hands through short hair and listens as Seungri hums approvingly, voice dark in his throat and Jiyong arches his back with pleasure.   
   “You always make me feel perfect like this”, Jiyong tells the other man who in turn hooks Jiyong’s legs over his arms, making them both let out long moans at the new sensation. The younger’s cock twitches inside him and he watches how sweat forms on the forehead of Seungri’s, whose cheeks are tinted a rosy color. 

Seungri comes deep inside Jiyong who in turn spills all over himself right before. The younger lies collapsed on top of him for quite some time after and Jiyong thinks that the reason neither of them moves is because they’re so afraid of what the separation will mean. 

But they dry Jiyong off and go to sleep, even if the morning means having to deal with the photos which are going to be all over the tabloids, even if the morning means the end. And of course Jiyong finds himself unable to sleep, only happy that his magnae seemingly was too exhausted to stay awake for even a minute longer and so he moves from their bed to the office where he spends the night writing a song. It’s a sad song and Jiyong thinks it will mean something to all the members. But it’s also a song which manages to carry the faint trace of hope that’s still to find in Jiyong’s heart. The last verse he writes as the sun comes up, once again painting their apartment in the hues of oranges and yellows, and Jiyong hopes and wishes with everything that he is that the world of 2016 wont rip apart what he has so carefully constructed with Seungri.   


_Yesterday night when I  
_ _Held hands with you and danced  
_ _With your radiantly glowing and  
_ _Beautiful one last smile  
_ _Red orange yellow green  
_ _An ecstasy I can’t know  
_ _It doesn’t go with the world  
_ _That I used to see and feel_  


He titles the song Last Dance praying that it won't actually be.


	6. Chanel

In 2017 Jiyong brings Seungri with him to Paris for an event by Chanel. It’s spring and Jiyong dresses himself in pastel colors and Seungri in white. He loves how they look together as they stand side by side in front of the mirror in their hotel room so much so he turns and kisses his lover right in front of the stylist who is still present. 

The thing is, though, when they had had to separate in the summer of 2016 due to someone leaking revealing photos of the two of them, Jiyong had written Last Dance and decided only months later that he’d rather suffer through a scandal than not be with the other man. So without ever formally coming out, they did, and the timing had happened to fit perfectly. The release of MADE the full album had been their biggest success ever. They had even had time to laugh at the fact that negative attention is always better than no attention and with Seunghyun in the army Jiyong had only needed to sacrifice a solo-comeback in the end. 

They stand side by side outside the building of the event as reporters take their photo and though Jiyong has become very used to this during the last many years it all feels new with his magnae by his side. He feels proud, prouder than he’s ever felt at one of these events and he turns his head as to get a better look at Seungri who shines right beside him. He can’t help himself, feeling overwhelmed which he so rarely does, and grabs the other’s hand firmly in his own, as they turn to walk away. He’s aware that photos are still being taken of the two of them, but rather than an itch it feels like butterflies in his entire body. 

It’s a few days later when they are out for lunch with a few of Jiyong’s acquaintances in the fashion industry, that he receives a text message from Youngbae. He doesn’t remember the last time they’ve spoken and he debates whether or not to even read it. Beside him Seungri is speaking in rapid English, making Jiyong smile to himself. The text message includes one of the photos from the event, one snapped right as Jiyong’d turned his head to admire Seungri, and reads: _Jiyong-ah.. you love him a lot, don’t you? Let’s meet again when you’re back in Seoul._

Rather than butterflies, Jiyong now only feels calm. 

 


	7. Thin

In 2015 Jiyong wakes up one morning and it’s not because he’s tired he doesn’t wan’t to get out of bed - it’s simply that he doesn’t. So he stays there. It starts simply like that, the period of months and months where Jiyong doesn’t leave his house other than to go on schedules. At first it’s only that he feels like staying at home, a month into this it’s only that he feels like staying in his bed and two months into it it’s that he actually can’t seem to get out. He feels suffocated, like blinds have been shut before his eyes, like a bag has been shoved over his head, like whenever people speak to him he’s behind glass and can’t seem to hear them clearly. The worst part of it is that it’s not Jiyong who notices that something’s seriously wrong, no, it’s Seungri of course and nobody can figure out just why all of this feels natural to Jiyong in the first place. Because he hasn’t noticed any change, he hasn’t thought about it. To Jiyong this is normal until Seungri points out that it is not. 

The staying in bed part, though, is not something he gets to do frequently however because he’s a very busy person and so instead he becomes so stressed he forgets to even shower. He doesn’t shave, he doesn’t joke, he doesn’t eat. He doesn’t even drink. He smokes a lot and Seungri wrinkles his nose at the smell but Jiyong doesn’t care which also is odd because the magnae is maybe the one thing he cares for the most. Seunghyun confronts him one day they’re in Japan and although Jiyong wants to just leave, not listen, just the fact that his only hyung amongst the members worries is enough for Jiyong to hear him out. 

He doesn’t do much to try and change though and so he collapses a few days later during a music video shoot. Waking up on the floor minutes later with too many people hovering above him makes him want to run away more than anything in the world but his body doesn’t want to respond when he tries to move. Somebody lifts him and places him in the corner of the room on a makeshift mattress of all their warm coats. His body is tired, no question about that, his head throbs alongside the rest of him and the cold towel on his forehead is annoying more than anything.   
   “It’s alright, I’ll do it”, though it’s hard to focus Jiyong immediately recognizes who is speaking and he must visibly relax because Seungri strokes his cheek softly and smiles down at him. They’re alone in their little corner and it seems that filming has started once more, Daesung now doing his closeups, “have you even eaten whilst we’ve been here?”, and no, when Jiyong thinks of the last 36 hours they’ve been here so far he can’t recall doing just that.   
   “I must have forgotten”, he admits and watches as his lover stands and leaves him for a short minute to return with a triangle kimbab.   
   “You’ve lost weight, hyung, it’s very visible on your arms and legs”, if anyone else were to point this out Jiyong would probably deny it, but Seungri knows him so well that there is no point.   
   “Many things have been on my mind lately, you know how I am”, he says instead. His weight is something which constantly changes with his mood. In good periods he looks healthy, just like he should, with more meat on his bones like Seungri and in bad periods he often manages to lose it all in the span of mere weeks.   
   “You have never collapsed before, though”, Seungri reasons and starts to unwrap the kimbab, “I’m a little worried because you’ve also been shutting me out”, and that’s also true, everything the younger says is true and Jiyong sighs.

He looks at himself in the mirror when they are finally back home after shooting for three days straight. He looks like death, he thinks and makes a face at himself. Seungri comes into their room and it takes him only a few seconds before coming over to stand right behind Jiyong. They look good together and that makes him smile. When Seungri hugs him from behind, enveloping Jiyong in warm limbs and soft fabric from the jumper the younger is wearing, that same smile grows.  
   “I’m so lucky to have you”, the words come on their own but they are true. In his life, Jiyong doesn’t need someone who doesn’t get why he does this. Why he sometimes curls in on himself and shuts the world away, how he will be there physically but not even exist as Kwon Jiyong mentally. Somehow Seungri manages to understand and at the same time accept that Jiyong’s attention is not something which will always be his, sometimes he might not seem important or loved even but Seungri seems to know that this is not the case. 

His magnae leans down a bit, kisses his neck softly and for the first time in months Jiyong notices when his stomach growls. 

 


	8. Him

In the beginning all they do is sleep together occasionally. Once or twice a week one will visit the other or they’ll already be together at a hotel, a concert or some other schedule and they’ll have sex. And that’s that. It’s nice sex, though, Jiyong loves getting to know the other man in such an intimate way, he loves discovering what it’s like to give up control, to be dominated, to be fucked. But there is a silence which always follows every time and it slowly drives Jiyong crazy. For at least two days after each time he won’t as much as receive a text message from the younger and even if he won’t admit it it hurts him. Because what they have is special, right? Jiyong has never been with a man before Seungri and he’s sure it’s mutual. There must be a special reason that they’ve both decided that it’s okay what they’re doing, right? 

So Jiyong becomes obsessed. He feels a longing for somebody which he’s never experienced before, feels emotions he can’t control or push away even if it’s all he wants to do. All he can think about is how to come up with a new excuse to see the other man privately, how to best turn him on and make him want Jiyong back just as much as Jiyong wants _him_. All which circulates in Jiyong’s mind is Seungri Seungri Seungri, him him him. 

The sad part is that Jiyong other than lust feels love for the younger, strongly, and he doesn’t know if those feelings are returned. He’s too scared to ask because now that he’s finally got at least a little part of Seungri he doesn’t want to lose it. And when they are together it’s the way the younger looks at him, smiles at him, jokes with him and when they are alone it’s the way the younger approaches him, touches him, makes love to him that counts and in those moments that’s enough for Jiyong. Until he’s alone again. In those moments all the wishes he’d done when he’d had his magnae to himself is confess. So regret fills him, regret and longing until it all comes full circle and they have sex once more.   
   “Hyung, your neck!”, it’s obvious that Daesung didn’t mean to be so loud but since Jiyong is always careful about love bites it’s understandable. He looks himself in the mirror and touches the purple mark which is placed low on his neck and swears he sees a small smile on Seungri’s face. His stylist starts dabbing furiously at him with concealer and Jiyong is filled with a strange feeling. At least the younger reacted to the mark he’d left the other night. 

Everything changes around five months into 2013 when one morning Jiyong wakes up in his bed to find that Seungri hasn’t left. And when he’s still there four hours later Jiyong finds himself hopeful that he actually won’t leave. Inevitably the younger starts slipping on his coat during the afternoon and something inside Jiyong clicks. He doesn’t _want_ the other man to leave, it’s been months and he’s tired of not knowing where the two of them stand outside of the bedroom and so he does the only thing he knows how to when it comes to Seungri. He walks over and yanks the jacket right off the other’s body with only a small noise of protest or maybe surprise leaving the younger’s throat before Jiyong’s mouth is on his. They are violently making out against the front door only seconds later and Seungri’s hands find Jiyong’s butt to grind against him. But no, no this is not just another round of sex Jiyong realizes, no this is him too desperate to show his magnae how he feels that he has to pull away shortly to look him in the eyes.  
   “Please don’t leave”, he says, voice almost panicky and Seungri stands frozen between the door and Jiyong, a curious look on his face for what feels like years before his hands make their way from Jiyong’s ass to the small of his back where they pull him tight once again, but this time in an embrace.   
   “Okay”, the younger answers, “okay, hyung.”

And they stand there, Jiyong’s heart beating wildly because in this moment he’s happy. He’s relieved but happier than anything, because he’s with Seungri. He’s finally with _him_.

 


	9. Nights

Insomnia is something Jiyong often suffers from in periods leading up to a new release. His brain is too occupied with possible last minute changes and fear of disappointing VIPs that he won’t sleep for days only to suddenly pass out when- and wherever. These times are more often than not during the day which is unfortunate but he can’t help it and people around him have luckily grown used to it during the past ten years. So leading up to the release of MADE the full album in December 2016 Jiyong doesn’t sleep for three days. The members are all crossing their fingers that this will soon be over because for this comeback they are filming two episodes for three variety shows which they never do and so it’s crucial that they all present their very best. 

A week before the digital release Jiyong is smoking out of the window when he hears the front door open shortly to shut quietly behind Seungri who has just returned from China. He takes a last drag of the cigarette between his fingers, then quickly walks out into the hallway.   
   “How was your trip?”, Jiyong asks as he watches the younger man shrug himself out of a new jacket Jiyong has never seen before, “nice coat, by the way”, he adds and Seungri smiles. Moments later they’re hugging each other a long overdue hello and Seungri kisses the top of Jiyong’s hair.  
   “It was alright. I’m so exhausted I think I’d be able to sleep until next year”, though the two of them have lived together in the past as well, Jiyong still adores these kinds of domestic moments when they’re both at home being simply Kwon Jiyong and Lee Seunghyun.  
   “Come to bed then”, Jiyong tells his magnae before practically dragging them both to their bedroom where they quickly get cozy beneath the thick duvet and between the large pillows. Being on his own is always nice because Jiyong likes no interruptions whenever he works but having his lover back like this is heaven and he combs his hands through the other’s hair for many minutes until he’s sure Seungri’s asleep. 

But as he slips out of bed again with the knowledge that he himself won’t be able to drift off for the night he’s surprised when Seungri’s in the living room with him only minutes later. 

   “Go back to bed, Seungri-yah, you look like death”, Jiyong says quickly, feeling regretful for waking up the younger as he’d left but Seungri only shakes his head and smiles at Jiyong. 

And this is something Seungri often does. Whenever Jiyong can’t sleep they’ll stay up together and even if Jiyong is absorbed in work Seungri’ll be there to keep him company anyways. He’ll be a nice presence for Jiyong to be able to always count on and it’s amazing because they actually work well together like that. Somehow the younger knows before Jiyong himself does just how much they need each other, just how much Jiyong needs Seungri, and it creates calm within. So they sit there in the living room for the next couple of hours, Seungri watching television and chatting to a few of his many friends across the globe as Jiyong revises any project he’s working on until the younger will catch Jiyong’s eye with _that_ gaze and before any of them know it they’ll be kissing. Jiyong will sigh contentedly and Seungri will nibble first at Jiyong’s bottom lip then at his jawline, neck and later chest as he’ll have helped him out of his shirt. 

   “I don’t want to be sappy but I missed you”, Seungri murmurs and Jiyong feels the younger’s lips against his skin and starts blindly grabbing at fabric to relieve the other of his clothes too. 

Pinned beneath his dongsaeng on their couch Jiyong looks up and is actually kind of lost in the beauty of the younger man until he has to let out a gasp as said man wraps a hand around Jiyong’s dick. Seungri loves having Jiyong like this, Jiyong knows. His lover likes the way Jiyong is pliant beneath him and Jiyong loves letting the younger have him however he wants. And so once again Jiyong wonders how it took them so long to figure it all out, how they’d ever managed to know each other for ten years and live together for six before giving in to the obvious lust they felt towards each other. Sometimes Jiyong feels frustrated that it’s only now in his life that he’s got Seungri to himself like this, feels frustrated that there is never enough time to make up for all those hours they ever wasted apart.. but then again - moments like those nights like these are there for them to love just like this. 

 


	10. XXX

He chants his lover’s name like it’s a prayer. Feels the other’s hands and fingers and skin against his body. His mind wants to take this slow, savour the moment but his body heaves upwards wanting more this instant. Because it’s been a while, it’s been too many days for him to remember the exact number and all he is certain of is that he wants it now. Whatever the man above him is willing to give, he wants it. 

A mouth sucks bruises into his skin and Jiyong feels his whole body tingle with sensations he’s missed dearly. His own hands find white strands of hair to pull at, hoping the indication that he does not want to go soft is clear enough.   
   “Seungri”, he moans. His voice is falling apart, unsteady with the shakiness he feels everywhere and he breathes in deep because the younger rips open his own shirt for Jiyong to admire the strong torso and defined pecks on display. At this Jiyong starts squirming on the mattress beneath unable to wait any longer to rid himself from the rest of his own clothes. It’s not just that he wants Seungri no it’s that he _needs_ him. So he tells the other man this and before he can do anything the wetted lips of his are on Jiyong’s and they kiss as if their lives depend on it. Their breathing get even heavier and Jiyong can almost hear quickened heartbeats as he flips them over so that Seungri is now beneath him. 

His magnae likes watching him and that’s a fact because he always eyes Jiyong up like a lion would a lamb. And luckily Jiyong is not shy, never shy in front of this man and so he shamelessly lets himself go. He can feel Seungri’s hardened cock somewhere on his inner thigh, thick and throbbing and Jiyong runs a hand slowly down his own body, watches Seungri’s eyes follow, until he wraps it around his own dick. Seungri licks his lips. Jiyong strokes himself painfully slowly, rocks his hips ever so lightly forwards well knowing that this creates friction for the younger man as well. Seungri moans.   
   “I might die if I ever have to go without you for this long ever again”, Jiyong says with a voice close to a whisper. To this he earns quick eye contact before Seungri’s gaze wanders back down. Jiyong feels how the younger’s hips move slightly on their own accord, cock seeking the friction Jiyong’s denying it. 

Seungri’s hands are suddenly there, cupping Jiyong’s buttocks, spreading them to make room for a slick finger to enter him just a little. He tenses slightly, it’s been a while after all, but Seungri’s leaning upwards to kiss Jiyong wherever he’s able to reach. Grabbing onto his dongsaeng’s neck Jiyong arches his back to give the other better access to the task at hand and from there on it doesn’t take long because Jiyong wants to actually feel the other inside him, wants it to actually hurt a little bit because it’s been so _long_ and he’s so desperate. So he removes Seungri’s hand and guides Seungri’s cock, aligning it with where he so badly wants it to go and starts to slowly push himself down onto his lover.   
   “I might die just now like this”, Seungri gasps and claws a bit at Jiyong’s arms, “fuck”, he finally utters when he’s fully inside and Jiyong tries to adjust. 

For the mere thirty seconds they’re both completely still Jiyong manages to look down at this gorgeous man who is stretched out beneath him and realize just how much love he feels in his heart exclusively for him. He doesn’t know exactly when but as they’d grown older together he’d at one point realized this through immense lust and admiration towards the younger, and at first he’d been scared. He’d been so scared because it had seemed impossible to ever obtain anything near the situation they find themselves in now. But before he even gets the chance to thinks back further, present day Seungri’s apparently become too impatient with Jiyong as he lifts him slightly only to start thrusting upwards quick and hard. Jiyong almost lets out a yelp that’s too loud as he lets himself fall forwards. He’s unable to do anything himself because Seungri’s taken over completely, already hitting the very best place inside Jiyong which has him leaking onto the other’s stomach. 

He is sure that Seungri’s fingernails leave long red rashes as they scratch his back but Jiyong doesn’t mind the slightest. He enjoys when his lover is rough like this - with any other person it would mean lust but with Seungri it also means love. The want is so evident that Jiyong can already tell he’ll come fast, fast and possibly untouched if Seungri goes on like this. And he does, because in seconds he’s flipped them back around and forces Jiyong’s legs over his wide, strong shoulders only to continue his hard, fast thrusts. The bed slams against the wall behind it and Jiyong moans so loud and shamelessly that he’s never going to be surprised if the neighbors come knocking on their door in the morning. 

   “Fuck hyung I can’t last”, Seungri’s voice is in Jiyong’s ear and as the younger bites onto his collarbones Jiyong spills onto his own torso, warm semen hitting even his one nipple and at that Seungri lets out a sound that sounds almost pained as he comes as well.

They’re out of breath for a long time, Seungri’s body slick with sweat and Jiyong feeling a tad uncomfortable as he lies beneath the younger’s full bodyweight. But he loves it. He loves it so much and he nuzzles his face into the neck belonging to this person he adores more than anyone. He inhales the scent of his lover and is sure that even if he ever forgot everything he’s ever known, he’d always remember just that. 

 


	11. Right

The first time they find themselves in bed together is a week after their Alive tour finale in Seoul. This also marks a week since the first time they kissed in that broom closet backstage. Jiyong hasn’t been able to think about anything else since and he’s not sure if they should even move on from doing just that already, seeing as neither have ever actually had sex with other men before. Turns out it’s apparently unavoidable as they fall into bed together not even half an hour after Seungri’d come knocking at Jiyong’s door. And so Jiyong turns off all the doubt in his mind and just goes with it because in that very moment he’s not sure he’d even be able to stop if he wanted to. 

Something which is a little strange, though, Jiyong does notice because Seungri seems overly calm as he’s working to help Jiyong out of the jeans he’s wearing. It can’t be that Jiyong’s this nervous with the other acting like this is second nature to him, so Jiyong reaches down and grabs Seungri’s wrists to stop him from undoing the zip. The younger looks at Jiyong, confusion written all over.  
   “I..”, is all Jiyong manages to utter before he realizes that he really does not know what to say.  
   “Hey, it’s okay, we can wait hyung”, Seungri is quick to answer and he comes back up to gently kiss Jiyong’s lips and softly run his hand through his hair. It’s nice but it makes Jiyong ten times more confused. Why is it that he feels like a child? Why does _Seungri_ have to be the one assuring Jiyong when it could be the other way around as well?  
   “What? No, dear god, I want you so bad Seungri-yah, it’s just that..”, Jiyong feels like he needs to explain himself, he needs to gain back a bit of the confidence Seungri seemingly thinks he’s lost, “I mean.. I’m just adjusting to the fact that I’m actually going to have sex with a man, you know?”, he laughs breathlessly, feeling a bit awkward confessing like this but surely Seungri must feel the same? Until..  
   “Yes, of course I know, I mean I felt the same about my first time”, Seungri says it matter-of-factly and Jiyong’s mind blanks completely. He just lies stupidly beneath his dongsaeng trying to comprehend what just happened. What _is_ happening. He must look like a big of a question mark as he feels because he sees comprehension dawn on Seungri’s face quite fast. 

Seungri sits back up between Jiyong’s legs and looks at a slight loss for words so Jiyong sits himself up as well.   
   “You’ve been with a man before?”, Jiyong asks finally, voice unsure not because his own feelings are in the way but because he’s scared he’s misunderstood something. Silence stretches between them and Jiyong can’t read the other’s face. He looks like he’s searching for words he can’t seem to find and so Jiyong reaches out and runs a hand down his magnae’s arm. Seungri cannot think Jiyong disapproves - that’s something Jiyong would hate for him to do.   
   “A couple, yeah”, Seungri finally meets Jiyong’s eyes and they both let out breaths they’ve been holding. The younger seems nervous now. He seems like he’s scared of the reaction Jiyong’s going to have and that has Jiyong’s stomach in knots, “I thought you knew”, says Seungri again and Jiyong shakes his head. 

So many thoughts are running through Jiyong’s mind that he reacts too slowly and before he knows it Seungri’s on his legs.  
   “I’ll leave you be for now, hyung”, and Jiyong doesn’t have time to disapprove of this idea because Seungri’s gone mere seconds later. It doesn’t feel right at all.

 

The first time they have sex is nothing like Jiyong ever imagined. It’s been a week consisting of the two of them avoiding each other and finally with Jiyong finding himself in Seungri’s apartment wanting nothing more than for the two of them to make up. For Seungri to understand that Jiyong doesn’t care if he won’t be the younger’s first. 

The actual sex is so quickly over that Jiyong wants to laugh at them both. The other man had had Jiyong ready in minutes and when he’d actually entered him it’d only taken a few thrusts for Seungri to be gasping into the nape of Jiyong’s neck that he wouldn’t be able to last much longer. Somehow this had been an incredible turn on and Jiyong’d come quicker than he’d ever done, hot semen all over his own stomach and with Seungri falling right over the edge with him.   
   “I’m so sorry it’s just.. I’ve dreamt of this for years”, the younger admits and Jiyong chuckles. His whole body is warm with feelings for Seungri and so he leans up and captures the other’s lips.   
   “I guess I must have as well then, look at me, I’m a mess”, he says both to make Seungri feel better but also because it might be true. At least in his heart it feels just right. 

 


	12. Scent

Usually Seungri makes Jiyong’s own half feel whole and that’s the reason he manages going through this live he’s living. Though he likes to see himself as an independent human being not many days pass without him feeling the need in his body, in his heart, for the younger man to wrap him up in strong arms and a warm chest. When this happens, in this position, Jiyong is able to forget even the worst of thought, the most of stress and it’s nice knowing such a person is in his life for whenever he needs it.

Tonight, however, he feels nothing. He’d arrived home in a state of numbness he’s never experienced and hadn’t managed to notice his lover in the living room. Taking off his shirt he’d folded it neatly instead of throwing it in the wash and placed it on top of his toilet to put away later. The shower he’d taken hadn’t managed to warm him no matter how much he kept raising the heat and so his last resort was to go straight to bed even if the time said no more than 7pm. 

Seungri joins him not many minutes later, already wary of Jiyong’s mood but slips into bed with him nonetheless. They tangle themselves up in each other. Jiyong feels like his insides are ice. Nothing seems to heat him up and he goes to stand from the bed, but Seungri catches his wrist before he walks too far, “where are you going, hyung?”, he asks voice dripping with concern.  
   “I’m just going to grab my shirt from the bathroom”, he answers and from his own ears even his voice sounds distant.  
   “I put it in the wash, hyung”, Seungri answers, tugging a bit for Jiyong to lie back down, oblivious to how disheveled Jiyong suddenly feels. And then his face crumples. _He_ crumples. Tears and snot are everywhere, Seungri’s arms desperately tugging him in as Jiyong sobs into the chest of the other man, “it’s okay, it’s okay hyung we’ll be okay”, he repeats like a mantra but Jiyong can’t seem to collect himself for more than two seconds a time only to start crying all over again.  
   “The.. the shirt”, he starts, voice cracking, “it smells like him, I was gonna keep it”, he coughs a bit and Seungri pulls back, face pained at Jiyong’s words as he tries to dry away the tears still falling.  
   “I’m sorry, hyung”, but Jiyong doesn’t answer.

 

The next morning Jiyong wakes, headache massive, to a small present, obviously from his lover, on the bed. When he opens it he laughs wetly at the bottle of perfume in his hands. Seunghyun’s perfume. He’s ridiculous, but the scent of his hyung floats around in the air as Jiyong sprays it. His heart feels lighter. Two years without Choi Seunghyun suddenly don’t feel as infinitely long.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 우리 탑... goodbye till we meet again <3


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